FOREWORD                   BOOK LAUNCH -- NIAGARA FALLS                WORLDWIDE PRAISE 

Introduction

"Get Over Yourself"

It seems as if almost everyone is on a quest for success. Whether the desire is for love, financial gain, increased leadership, advancement within an organization or better relationships … assistance and inspiration can be acquired from a multitude of sources.

Attempts to influence or control others are generally focused on the wrong person. True success is an art ... "The Art of Self-Control."

Most people would probably agree that self-control is the answer.  The problem lies in the individual definition ...  

·        Self-Control means toughness for some:

      “I don’t get mad, I get even.”

·        For others, it is all about leaving a way out in case something goes wrong:

      “I don’t have to take this, I’m out of here.”

·        For many, it is self-control to refrain from hurting others even when hurt or angry:

      “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

·        And for some people, it means to do whatever it takes to keep from upsetting others:

      “Don’t rock the boat.”

Statements such as these may seem like self-control to many people. In reality, they are all attempts to control others. People justifying these behaviors are either trying to get someone else to do something (such as keeping their commitments), or to prevent them from doing somethin (such as getting upset).

Unfortunately, whether striving to be helpful or self-serving, the only way to ensure success with these tactics is to establish some kind of ‘Position-Power’ over others. Position-Power, by definition, always flows from the top down. As such, employers, managers, salespeople, elected officials, police officers, parents, spouses, and partners ultimately strive to deal with stress by establishing or enforcing the power of their position in order to get what they desire.

Position-Power may be blatant, as when backed up with orders, threats, demands, hysterics, or ultimatums. However, this manipulation can also be demonstrated in more subtle ways, such as by shutting down, backing away or making outright lies.

Basically, Position-Power is the rationalized control of others due to fear. This can be a fear OF others: “You might hurt me.” However, it can also be an altruistic fear FOR others: “You might hurt yourself.” The bottom line is, whether you are striving to protect yourself or someone else, leadership by Position-Power is nothing more than a Fear-Based knee jerk reaction designed to control others. When you are tempted to control someone else, you are the problem. The answer is to “Get Over Yourself".

Position-Power is a Fear-Based Reaction

These terms are synonymous and interchangeable, and both are becoming operatively obsolete.

Regardless of the intent, anyone using Position-Power to control others are facing increasing resistance. Modern persons in democratic societies do not function under a strict and inflexible hierarchy as our ancestors once did. In fact, we resent those who control us (or who attempt to control us), even when we are told it is for “our own good.” Just ask any teenager.

Controlled children may not rebel but, at best, they will have a limited relationship with their parents when they become adults. A spouse can control their partner or children but, in so doing, will typically destroy their love, respect and affection. Dishonest or incongruent salespeople may initially make money, but it is rare when sales from repeat business and referrals occur. Dictatorships may seem to be effective, but history teaches us that assassinations and revolutions are the inevitable outcomes.

In the short term, Position-Power can give intimate, family or business relationships the illusion of effectiveness. However, people with high levels of self-worth are finding such Fear-Based environments increasingly unacceptable. They have found, and will continue to find, better places to live and work.

Those who remain usually see the levels of fear increase in direct proportion to the deterioration of the family or business. The cycle will continue until excellence and passion are stiffled. Personal and professional relationships which operate within this paradigm cannot flourish. Resentment and resistance ultimately lead to sabotage, diminished results and even destruction.

 
 
  
  
  
  
 
 
 
  
  
  Old Pattern               New Pattern
 
          FIGHT         ——>       EMPATHY
 
          FLIGHT       ——>       EVALUATION    
 
          FREEZE       ——>       ENTHUSIASM
 
          FAÇADE      ——>       ETHICS
  

 
  
  
  
  
 
 
 
  
  
  Old Pattern               New Pattern
 
          FIGHT         ——>       EMPATHY
 
          FLIGHT       ——>       EVALUATION    
 
          FREEZE       ——>       ENTHUSIASM
 
          FAÇADE      ——>       ETHICS
  
There is an alternative to Position-Power. The old Fear-Based patterns are changing.

People are beginning to realize they are merely creating new problems whenever they justify Fear-Based reactions to challenging or threatening circumstances. Position-Power is losing ground to effective, innovative, and forward thinking leaders who are striving to create loving relationships, joyful families, business success, or effective government.

It is becoming apparent that positive results will come through leaders, not from them.

To be effective, a leader must become aware of his or her Fear-Based reactions and make necessary decisions to overcome them. Leadership excellence is a skill that can be sharpened and made more effective by increasing the capacity to think, reason, and make conscious choices. 

Controlling Others For Love And Profit teaches you how to overcome stress and create positive results, first by becoming aware of your own negative Fear-Based reactions and then by being responsible for changing your behavior.

The reactions of anyone other than yourself, are merely measures of your own effectiveness … or lack thereof.

When you become aware of your own negative Fear-Based reactions, it becomes easier to see how you are attempting to control others with actual or implied Position-Power. Instead of focusing on what others are doing wrong, learn to use the “Four E’s of Excellence” to take responsibility for changing yourself.  Your leadership will be greatly enhanced.

The “Four E’s of Excellence” are Ethics, Enthusiasm, Evaluation, and Empathy. Present in at least one leader in all truly effective personal and professional relationships, these elements also could be defined as Vision, Joy, Determination, and Compassion. Regardless of the names we assign to these qualities, self-control is needed to demonstrate them all, especially in the face of negative circumstances.

This book is not a philosophical attempt to define an unattainable Utopian ideal of leadership. It is a description of an evolving phenomenon. It is a “tool-box” of practical techniques for self-control to break non-productive patterns, create desired results, reduce stress, develop trust, and build consensus. 

The concepts and techniques in Controlling Others For Love And Profit are more than theory. My father and I have refined them over the last 34 years, in more than 3,000 personal and professional development seminars and leadership trainings in the United States, Canada, New Zealand, Panama, Dubai, Bahamas, Thailand and Israel. They have helped tens of thousands of people overcome everything from minor irritations to unimaginable tragedies. Many of their stories are included in order to assist you in using Four E’s of Excellence ‘For Ease of Excellence’ in solving personal and professional challenges.

These are difficult times. Intimate relationships often seem to cause more frustration than fulfillment. Many families are in turmoil. A large number of corporations are floundering or failing. A new international crisis seems to arise daily. Most people are finding themselves fighting threats on several different fronts. Stop fighting against what you do not want, and fight to create what you do want. There is a difference.

We are in the midst of a leadership evolution. Leadership based on Position-Power is history. The evolution in leadership will influence our intimate, family, business, community, national, and global affairs. I challenge you to use the ideas and concepts in this book, especially Chapter 10, to create personal and professional results WITH your life, not just IN your life.

“Get Over Yourself.”

The world has enough victims. We need leaders.

James Roswell Quinn

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