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CONTROLLING OTHERS FOR LOVE AND PROFIT
"Controlling others is not the solution. It is the problem." _________________________________________________________________________
FOREWORD BOOK LAUNCH -- NIAGARA FALLS WORLDWIDE PRAISE
INTRODUCTION (Scroll Down)
Introduction
"Get Over Yourself"
It seems as if almost everyone is on a quest for success. The desire may be for love, financial gain, increased leadership, advancement within an organization, or better relationships. Whatsoever the quest, assistance and inspiration can be acquired from a multitude of sources.
Self-Help books, eBooks, videos, CDs, blogs, and magazine articles abound. One can attend leadership trainings, keynote addresses, personal growth seminars, sales boot-camps, management workshops, parenting classes, self-help sessions, encounter groups, Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, health-clubs, and marriage encounters. Guidance is available from churches, school teachers, counselors, therapists, channelers, re-birthers, radio call-in shows, suicide hot-lines, psychics, astrologers, numerologists, psychologists, psychiatrists, business consultants, mentors, success coaches, keynote speakers, mastermind groups, gurus, Dear Abby, Dr. Phil McGraw, and your parents.
Nevertheless, whether your motivation is selfless or selfish, for love or for profit, virtually everything available to you requires the development of your abilities to control others. You are told that if you act in a certain manner people will change how they treat you. Ask the right questions and a resistant prospect will buy your product or join your organization. Treat your avoidant partner right and they will give you love. It may not always seem like you are trying to control others, but if the objective is to change the behaviors of others…it is control.
‘Control’ has always been successful in at least some situations and with certain people. However, its effectiveness is diminishing rapidly. As such, the vast majority of resources miss the point:
All attempts to control others are focused on the wrong person. Excellence is an art ...
"The Art of Self-Control."
First, you have established self-control. Only then does it becomes appropriate to try and help others identify and change their negative, non-productive, and destructive behaviors. Until that time, such attempts will likely be unsuccessful or short-lived. As we say in my seminars, “Change Starts With Me.”
Most people would probably agree that self-control is the answer. The problem lies in the individual definition ...
· Self-Control means toughness for some:
“I don’t get mad, I get even.”
· For others, it is all about leaving a way out in case something goes wrong:
“I don’t have to take this, I’m out of here.”
· For many, it is self-control to refrain from hurting others even when hurt or angry:
“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
· And for some people, it means to do whatever it takes to keep from upsetting others:
“Don’t rock the boat.”
Regardless of the intent, anyone using Position-Power to control others is facing increasing resistance. Modern persons in democratic societies do not function under a strict and inflexible hierarchy as our ancestors once did. In fact, we resent those who control us (or who attempt to control us), even when we are told, “This is four your own good.” Just ask any teenager.
Controlled children may not rebel but, at best, they will have a limited relationship with their parents when they become adults. A spouse can control their partner or children but, in so doing, will typically destroy their love, respect, and affection. Dishonest or incongruent salespeople may initially make money, but it is rare when sales from repeat business and referrals occur. Dictatorships may seem to be effective, but history teaches us that assassinations and revolutions are the inevitable outcomes. In the short term, Position-Power can give intimate, family, and business relationships the illusion of effectiveness.
However, people with high levels of self-worth are finding such Fear-Based environments increasingly unacceptable. They have found, and will continue to find, better places to live and work. Those who remain usually see the levels of fear increase in direct proportion of the deterioration of the family or business. The cycle will continue until excellence and passion are stifled. Personal and professional relationships, which operate within this paradigm, cannot flourish. Resentment and resistance ultimately lead to sabotage, diminished results, and even destruction
Old Pattern New Pattern FIGHT ——> EMPATHY FLIGHT ——> EVALUATION FREEZE ——> ENTHUSIASM FAÇADE ——> ETHICS |
Old Pattern New Pattern FIGHT ——> EMPATHY FLIGHT ——> EVALUATION FREEZE ——> ENTHUSIASM FAÇADE ——> ETHICS |
. The good news is there is an alternative to Position-Power. The old Fear-Based patterns are changing.
People are beginning to realize they are merely creating new problems whenever they justify Fear-Based reactions to challenging or threatening circumstances. Position-Power is losing ground to effective, innovative and forward thinking leaders who are striving to create loving relationships, joyful families, business success, or effective government.
It is becoming increasingly apparent that positive results
will come through leaders, not from them.
To be effective, a leader must become aware of his or her Fear-Based reactions and make necessary decisions to overcome them. Leadership Excellence is a skill that can be sharpened and made more effective by increasing the capacity to think, reason, and make conscious choices. CONTROLLING OTHERS FOR LOVE AND PROFITteaches you how to overcome stress and create positive results, first by becoming aware of your own negative Fear-Based reactions and then by being responsible for changing your behavior.
The truth is, the reactions of anyone other than your self are merely measures of your own effectiveness, or lack thereof. When you become aware of your own negative Fear-Based reactions, it becomes easier to see how you are attempting to control others with actual or implied Position-Power. Instead of focusing on what others are doing wrong, learn to use the “Four E’s of Excellence” to take responsibility for changing yourself. Your leadership will be greatly enhanced.
The Four E’s of Excellence are Ethics, Enthusiasm, Evaluation, and Empathy. Present in all truly effective personal and professional relationships, these elements also could also be defined as Vision, Joy, Determination, and Compassion. Regardless of the names we assign to these qualities, self-control is needed to demonstrate them all, especially in the face of negative circumstances.
This book is not a philosophical attempt to define an unattainable Utopian ideal of leadership. It is, in fact, a description of an evolving phenomenon. It is a “tool-box” of practical techniques for self-control to break non-productive patterns, create desired results, reduce stress, develop trust, and build consensus.
The concepts and techniques in CONTROLLING OTHERS FOR LOVE AND PROFIT are more than theory. Since 1979, they have been refined in more than 1,500 personal and professional development seminars and keynote addresses in the United States, Canada, New Zealand, Panama, Dubai, Thailand, Mexico, and the Bahamas. They have helped tens of thousands of people to overcome everything from minor irritations to unimaginable tragedies. Many of their stories are included in order to assist you in using Four E’s of Excellence, ‘For Ease of Excellence’ in solving personal and professional challenges. These are difficult times. Intimate relationships often seem to cause more frustration than fulfillment. Many families are in turmoil. A large number of corporations are floundering or failing. A new international crisis seems to arise daily. Most people are finding themselves fighting threats on several different fronts.
The good news is that we are in the midst of a leadership evolution that will influence our intimate relationships, families, and businesses. This evolution in leadership will have a profound effect on local, national, and global affairs. I challenge you to use the ideas and concepts in this book to create personal and professional results WITH your life, not just IN your life.
Leadership based on Position-Power is history. It is time to stop fighting “against” what you do NOT want, and to start fighting “for” what you DO want. There is a difference. When you react to negative circumstances, or even to the possibility of them, you become your own worst enemy. The solution is to Get Over Yourself.
The world has enough victims. We need leaders.
James Roswell Quinn
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